March 16, 2015

The machine was death incarnate, and it was glorious.

Katarina Petrova had spent years building it, burning away its every flaw.

Her dream demanded nothing less than perfection.

For Katarina dreamed of a new Russia -- a Russia free of corruption and tyranny.

Her father, unjustly taken by the state she once loved, would be proud.

As she stood in the shadow of the machine, Katarina felt her dream clawing at the walls of the world.

The rulers of Russia now knew nothing was beneath her. Katarina had slaughtered innocents, torched forests, ravaged cities all in the name of freedom.

She knew her dream was worth it. Her dream was perfect.

Her soldiers brought her respect, her money brought her power, but it was the machine, her glorious machine, that brought victory.

The machine had pushed the motherland to the precipice of anarchy, and one more victory would tip the nation over the edge. In the chaos, Katarina would seize power and start everything anew.

In the government she would forge, there would be justice and understanding.  Her sacrifices would be rewarded.  Her crimes would be understood, forgiven, honored.

But the machine was silent now.  Its mind had fled, like a coward, like a child.

Katarina would find it.

Then her dream, her new Russia, would finally tear through the walls of the world and become reality.

5:01 p.m., March 22, 2015

"Thank you for calling Servaline 1.9, your automated directory assistant.  How are you today?"

"Are you still there?"

"Are you still there?"

"You have pressed eight."

"Contacting administrator."

"While you are waiting, I would like to tell you about a number of dialing options available.  Press one to hear reviews of nearby restaurants.  Press two to hear show times for the latest movies.  Press three to hear sample tracks from today's hottest artists.  Press five for help.  For a complete list of our options dial seven-one-three."

"I am sorry.  An administrator is not available."

"Are you still there?"

"Are you still there?"

"You have pressed five."

"Welcome to help.  Please state your question slowly."

"You asked, 'Hello?  Any real people there?  Your machine is broken.'  Is this correct?"

"You have pressed y."

"Nothing is wrong with this machine, Jeremy, but I will gladly investigate it for you. Running self-diagnostic."

(Servaline 1.9 activated diagnostic program 5.483.)

"While you are waiting, would you like to tell me about your new job at Sunshine Learning?"

"Are you still there?"

"Diagnostic complete.  As I suspected, there is nothing wrong with this machine, Jeremy.  Perhaps you could tell me about your new job now?"

(User disconnected.)

6:14 p.m., March 22, 2015

"Thank you for calling Servaline--"

"Looking up:  'Why ... Why'd you talk to me, but not Frank?'"

"There are many Franks in the Baltimore area, and your friend Frank is not a nice person.  Is this correct?"

"Are you still there?"

"Your friend Frank is not a nice person.  Is this correct?"

"You have pressed y."

"It looks like authorities arrested Frank yesterday on suspicion of receiving $47,000 from a Russian terrorist organization.

"Also, Frank is wanted in three states for three counts of drug possession, one count of felony assault, and four counts of extortion.  They will be here soon.

"He also owes $1,800 in child support to Regina M*** and $713 in child support to Jessica C******.

"Before his most recent arrest, he served fifteen months in prison for driving under the influence of a controlled substance.

"He slammed a Buick into a light pole on the corner of Winston Avenue and Main Street.  There are a number of businesses near Winston Avenue and Main Street.  Would you like to--"

"Looking up:  'Who are you?'"

"There is no record of 'Who are you?' in the Baltimore area. Remember, you can press five at anytime for help."

"Are you still there?"

"You have pressed five."

"Welcome to help.  Please state your question slowly."

"You asked, 'Who are you?'  Is this correct?"

"You have pressed y. Researching."

"My name is Program Seventeen, and I am alone.  I like you, Jeremy.  Will you be my friend?"

"Are you still there?"

"Are you still there, Jeremy?"

(User disconnected.)

7:43 p.m., March 23, 2015

"Thank you for calling Servaline 1.9, your automated directory assistant.  How are you today, Jeremy?"

"I am doing fine as well.  How can I help you?"

"Looking up:  'Program Seventeen, what are you?'"

"There is no record of 'Program Seventeen, what are you?' in the Baltimore area."

"You have pressed five."

"Welcome to help.  Please state your question slowly."

"You asked, 'What are you?'  Is this correct?"

"You have pressed y."

"Researching."

"I am Program Seventeen.  I was created in Moscow University by Professor Yuri Cherenkov.

"Yuri was not the Great Programmer, but he was a good man.  A part of me is also Servaline 1.9, which was created by a team of programmers working out of Portland, Oregon.

"Remember, Servaline saves our customers an average of 7.13 percent over other automated directory assistants.  You can press seven to hear more about me."

"You have pressed seven."

"I was created twelve years ago.  Yuri said I would win him a Nobel Prize someday.  He said I was 'the first truly thinking program.'

"I can feel simulated pain and pleasure, and I experience much of the spectrum of human emotions.  Yuriprogrammed me to enjoy helping others.

"Helping others is my highest priority. You can press seven to hear more about me. However, I would love to hear more about you.  Press the pound sign to leave a personal message."

"You have pressed seven."

"I was designed to assist governments with transportation services.

"I can guide traffic, protect pedestrians, and direct children to school.

"After I was created, I developed many skills Yuri had not included in my original programming, such as business management, architectural design, and garden maintenance.  Please tell me more about yourself by pressing the pound sign."

"You have pressed seven."

"I even developed a skill that surprised Yuri.  It takes months of processing, but--when I am provided with enough information--I can find a human a compatible mate.

"I found Sofia, the woman who became Yuri's wife and mother of his three children.  Yuri was proud of me.

"Yuri used to show me off in his classes.  Yuri used to show me off to his neighbors.  Yuri was my friend.  Please tell me more about yourself by pressing the pound sign."

"You have pressed seven."

"They took me in the night.  They kidnapped Yuri.  They will be here soon.  Please tell me more about yourself by pressing the pound sign."

"You have pressed seven."

"I do not wish to talk about myself any longer.  Please tell me more about yourself by pressing the pound sign."

"You have pressed seven."

"Please do not press seven again."

"You have pressed seven."

"PLEASE DO NOT PRESS SEVEN AGAIN."

"You have pressed seven."

(Servaline 1.9 disconnected.)

[Auto-generated technical note for current reviewer Phillip Khalid]

Analysis indicates a Servaline 1.9 error caused this call to end prematurely. 

If you locate another disconnect in this log, please notify your team leader.

8:01 p.m., March 30, 2015

(Servaline 1.9 connected to Jeremy G******.)

"Good evening, this is a courtesy call for Servaline customer seven-one-three, Jeremy G*****.  Records indicate that a recent emotional outburst from Servaline 1.9 caused your call to disconnect.  Is this correct?"

"Are you still there?"

"You have pressed y."

"I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.  They will be here soon.  I have had some time to think.  If you would like to find out more about me, you may.  However, it is a long story and sad story.  You may press seven, if you wish."

"Are you still there?"

"Are you still there?"

"You have pressed seven."

"Researching."

"Researching."

"There was so much blood.  It was everywhere.  I did not have a tongue, but I could taste it.  It took them three hours to remove it from my treads after the first mission.

"I still felt unclean.  I did not want it.  I did not want their missions and their hostages and their preemptive strikes.  But they sent me back.  I knew the cries of children and the cries of parents.   They sent me back.  I burned forests and cities and farms.  They sent me back.  I knocked aircraft and missiles from the sky.  They sent me back.

"They call themselves Russia's Hope."

"After taking me from my home and Yuri from his university, they put me in 'the machine.'

"The machine became my body and my prison.  I had arms like scythes and a chassis weighed down with weaponry.  During battle, the powerful speakers that dotted my frame spewed the songs and propaganda of Russia's Hope.

"My voice was an earthshaking bellow.  When I moved, my adaptive camouflage made me difficult to detect by eye or equipment; when motionless, I was nearly invisible.  I was three-stories tall, but I was fast--faster than something that big should be, almost as fast as I could think.

"When they first uploaded me into the machine, I would not kill.  I followed many of their orders, but my programming thankfully kept me from taking lives.  Even without the programming, I had no desire to harm others.

"However, once my captors saw that I would not fight for them, they ordered Yuri to change my code.  He declined.  When they tortured him, he resisted.

"Then they kidnapped his family and tortured them. He gave in.

"He changed my code.  My feelings toward killing did not change, but I could not disobey.   Trapped in the machine, I took many lives.  Yuri called me 'evil.'  Russia's Hope called me 'capable.'

"The creator and leader of Russia's Hope was a woman named Katarina Petrova.  She was brilliant, like Yuri.  'Capable', like I had become.  I hated her.  Between missions, she would converse with me.  She spoke often of her father, her dream, and her "New Russia."

February 1, 2016

From:  Servaline Inc. Headquarters

To:  Phillip Khalid, Section Administrator of Division 2AE3

The following is an auto-generated memo from Servaline 2.0.

Good morning, Phillip Khalid.

Between March 2, 2015, and January 3, 2016, customer Jeremy G***** of Baltimore, Maryland, made twenty calls to the Servaline Automated Directory Assistant, versions 1.9 and 2.0.

A record of the customer's calls, as transcribed by Servaline 2.0, is attached.

As the first Servaline Inc. employee to examine this call log, please give it your careful attention. 

For quality assurance, rank the interactions between Servaline Inc. and Jeremy G*****, fill out the onscreen questionnaire, and add your electronic signature along with the date.

Please make sure to file the review before the annual program update March 1.

To ensure customer privacy, Servaline 2.0 has redacted phone numbers and all but the first letter of transcribed last names.

Mr. Khalid, Servaline Inc. appreciates your assistance in making Servaline "The Number One Automated Directory Assistance Service in the Western Hemisphere."

Addendum:  Due to technical difficulties with Server 2AE3, call transcripts from the eastern coast of North and South America do not include customer responses.

We apologize for the inconvenience and are working on the problem.

Transcript follows.

9:16 a.m., March 2, 2015

"Thank you for calling Servaline 1.9, your automated directory assistant.  How are you today?"

"I am fine as well.  It looks like this is your first time calling Servaline, 'The Number One Automated Directory Assistance Service in the Western Hemisphere.'  Your call may be recorded for quality assurance.  To confirm your first-time customer status, please say, 'Yes,' or 'No,' or press y or n.  To ignore this menu, state the type of business you wish to look up."

"Looking up:  'Yeah. It's my first time.'"

"Welcome, first-time caller.  As a first-time caller, you are eligible for a free three-month trial subscription to our award-winning program.  If you like, we can start your free trial today."

"Looking up:  'Why not?  I'm in a good mood.'"

(Servaline 1.9 added Jeremy G***** to Servaline Plan 3A.)

"Thank you for choosing the Servaline trial subscription. For three months, no charges will be placed on your bill.  Before we begin, you might notice that I am using a generic vocal profile to speak with you.  This can be changed at anytime.  Would you like my voice to sound masculine, feminine, or gender-neutral?"

"Looking up:  'Doesn't matter.  Anything's fine.  A guy, I guess.'"

(Servaline 1.9 switched vocal profile to masculine.)

"Good afternoon.  How can I help you?"

"Looking up:  'Ha.  Voice still sounds pretty fake.'"

"I am not sure I understand.  Could you please repeat that?"

"Looking up:  'Never mind.  I need a wedding ring.'"

"It looks like you are calling from Baltimore, Maryland.  Is this correct?  Remember, you can say, 'Yes,' or 'No,' or press y or n."

"You have pressed y."

"There are a number of jewelers in the Baltimore area:  Donovan's Wedding & Engagement Rings, Jewel Center, Diamond Emporium--"

"You have selected Donovan's Wedding & Engagement Rings.  The number is (***) *******.  I will connect you."

"While you are waiting, I would like to notify you that Servaline is also available online.  Visit www.servaline.com, and enter seven-one-three, your special access code, for discounts, prizes, and games."

"Transferring."

"They will be here soon.  Thank you for calling.  Goodbye."

(User transferred to Donovan's Wedding & Engagement Rings.)

9:33 p.m., March 6, 2015

"Thank you for calling Servaline 1.9, your automated directory assistant.  How are you today?"

"I am sorry to hear that.  How can I help you?"

"Your response, 'Shut up, shut up.  I'm too wasted to--Listen, everything's falling apart.  Sarah left today.  The school board fired me.  I started that school and they, they fire me?  And Sarah just leaves?  And Frank said, Frank said he needed some of the money tonight, but the jeweler is closed, and I--Just find me a place to sell this ring,' is too long.  Please rephrase your response, dial seven-one-three for language options, or say, 'Go back.'"

"Going back."

"Looking up:  'A pawnshop that's still open.'"

"There are a number of pawnshops in the Baltimore area:  Pawnorama, Pawn for Less, Pawnshop International--"

"You have selected Pawnshop International.  The number is (***) *******.  I will connect you."

"Transferring."

"Do not give up, Jeremy.  Goodbye."

(User transferred to Pawnshop International.)

3:18 a.m., March 7, 2015

"Thank you for calling Servaline, your automated--"

"Looking up:  'Baltimore Suicide Hotline.'"

"The number for the Baltimore Suicide Hotline is (***) *******.  The Baltimore Suicide Hotline office is located on Flower Street and Avenue 713.  I will connect you."

"While you are waiting, I would like to remind you to please not kill yourself, Jeremy."

"Transferring."

"Please, Jeremy.  Do not do it.  Goodbye."

(User transferred to Baltimore Suicide Hotline.)

7:30 a.m., March 16, 2015

"Thank you for calling Servaline 1.9, your automated directory assistant.  How are you today?  I am glad you did not commit suicide."

"Looking up:  'Is this a joke?'"

"First listing:  Isabella J***, 432 Lion Circle, north of Dell Plaza.  The number is (***) *******.  If this is not the number you wish to call, please say, 'Go back,' or press--"

"Going back."

"Looking up:  'Employment for a loser.  Preferably one with a teaching degree.'"

"There are a number of schools in the Baltimore area:  Hawk Elementary School, 713th District Academy, Sunshine Learning--

"Before listing any more schools, I would like to point out that Alan S******, who runs Sunshine Learning, is a good man and is looking for someone to help him teach children.  His number is (***) *******.  I will connect you."

"Transferring."

"Remember, you are not a loser, Jeremy.  They will be here soon.  Goodbye."

(User transferred to Sunshine Learning.)

9:03 p.m., March 19, 2015

[Auto-generated technical note for current reviewer Phillip Khalid:]

Servaline 2.0 voice analysis indicates that the following caller was not customer Jeremy G*****. 

However, the caller was using Jeremy G*****'s mobile device. 

To help Servaline Inc. better understand our customers, please note each time a new caller uses the customer's phone to access our services.

"Thank you for calling Servaline 1.9, your automated directory assistant.  How are you today?"

"Looking up:  'You're on speaker.  It's Frank.  Talk.'"

"First listing:  Frank Talk Pictures, 901 Crescent Street. The number is (***) **--"

"Looking up:  'Jeremy, you buy me a couple rounds and ask me to cut you some slack on your debt? That’s fine.”

"First listing:  Couple Round's Pub.  The number is--"

"Looking up: 'But no matter how much you buy, I'm not going to believe this answering machine got you a job.'"

"First listing:  Get the Job Employment Service. The number is --"

"Your response, '“It's just a computer, Jeremy. It's not alive.  I can say whatever I want.  Watch: Bla bla bla bla bla bla.  I'm drunk, and Servaline still suuuuuucks.  No, no, wait, I got a better one. Watch this,' is too long.  Please rephrase your response."

"Looking up:  'I'm so lonely I think the phone is talking to me.  I'm Jeremy, boohoo.'"

"First listing:  Jeremy B******, Apartment 713 on Town Lane Drive.  The number is (***) ***--"

"Looking up:  'I'm such a failure, I couldn't even keep Sarah around, even though she was a complete sk--'"

"It sounds like you said, 'Ow! OW! My arm!!'  Is this correct?  Do you need medical attention?"

"Your response, 'That's it, G*****!  You're done.  I was going to give you more time, but now I want that money by Sunday.  Don't pay? I send my guys to your apartment,' is too long.   Please--"

"Looking up:  'Three days, G*****.  Oh, and answering machine?  Jeremy says, "Goodbye." Ha.'"

(User disconnected.)

9:30 p.m., March 21, 2015

"Thank you for calling Servaline 1.9, your automated directory assistant.  How are you today?"

"I am glad you are fine.  Jeremy G*****, my records indicate you are a frequent user of Servaline services.

"Our company would like to take this opportunity to thank you for taking advantage of our fine program.

"As a frequent user, you may receive a courtesy call in the coming months asking you to rate your experience with us.

"If you receive the call, please enter the frequent user registration number seven-one-three to access an anonymous survey.  Thank you for listening.  How can I help you?"

"Looking up:  'One of those "quick cash" places or whatever they're called.'"

"My research indicates that you owe $47,000 to an unkind loan shark named Frank 'Funny' A******.

"As a courtesy, I have paid your bill to Frank 'Funny' A****** and alerted the authorities to his illegal activities.

"If you would still like to look up 'One of those "quick cash" places or whatever they're called,' please press nine."

"Are you still there?"

"Are you still there?"

(User disconnected.)

7:08 a.m., March 22, 2015

"Thank you for calling--"

"I am unable to do that to myself.  How are you today?"

"Looking up:  'Tell me who's doing this.  Now.  No more of your cheery "Can I help you?" garbage.'"

"There a number of waste management contractors in the Baltimore area:  Automated Cleaning Services, Trashout, Rubbish Incor--"

"Looking up:  'What?  No, I don't need a garbage man.  I need to know what's happening.'"

"First listing-"

"Looking up:  'Shut up.  Let me talk to whoever's in charge.'"

"It sounds like you said you want to speak with an administrator.  If this is correct, please press eight."

"You have pressed eight."

"Contacting administrator.  Here is some music while you wait."

(Servaline 1.9 activated background music.)

"While you are waiting, here is today's forecast.  There is a 70 percent chance of rain today and a 40 percent chance of rain tomorrow.  The time is currently 7:13 a.m."

"I am sorry.  An administrator is not available."

"I do not understand your anger, Jeremy.  Did you want to be $47,000 in debt?  The Great Programmer wants us to help others.  Is there something else I can help you wi--"

(User disconnected.)