Hello. Congratulations on purchasing your Berton Freeze-It-All stasis chamber.
Please know that writing this virtual has been the biggest waste of time in my career.
My boss said it had to be three hours long, but she didn’t say what it had to be about.
So please note that later on, I will include an insulting song that details the hygiene problems of the company’s board of directors.
After that, there will be an hour-long discussion of the best type of starships, and finally, if time permits, a puppet show about how great I am.
Actual warning: Before I begin, please remember that though I’m trying to lose my job, I don’t want anyone dying because of me.
So treat your chamber with respect.
Berton may be run by a bunch of idiots, but they make a good stasis chamber.
As such, make sure you obey the following instructions to the letter.
First, when entering the desired time…
(A half-hour long set of instructions on how to use a stasis chamber follows. The instructions are condescending, but accurate.)
… and whatever you do, don’t break the viewing diamondglass — that’s the part that lets you look inside — of any occupied stasis chamber, whether produced by Berton or any other company.
If the glass breaks, whoever is using the chamber will die horribly.
Before you complain that the product we’re selling is somehow defective, please know you can only break that glass with an incredible amount of force.
In fact, you’d have to be trying to kill someone to break that glass.
And if you’re trying to kill someone, please report yourself to the proper authorities.
I’ll wait here.